Eight billion different ways

I just wanted to post a quick update to let everyone know that I am doing really well. Jordy and I had the chance to escape to the beach for a weekend with some friends and I took my first dip since the surgery. The salt water felt just as good as I imagined it would. We spent two nights and woke up both mornings to watch the sunrise on the beach, something we always do when we’re on vacation and rarely manage to do at home.

I have been cooking my way through Mina Stone’s cookbook, Cooking For Artists, thanks to my dear friend Lydia who loaned me her copy. Somehow each recipe has been a winner, except for the lentil soup, which tasted a lot like murky water. I have gained back the weight I lost during what we affectionately refer to as the D-Days and I have never been more grateful to see numbers on a scale climb up a few notches. We are super fortunate that Jordy can come home for lunch every day and in an effort to take full advantage of such a gift, I have made it my goal to have a homemade lunch and dinner ready for him every day and night. I feel like a very 50s housewife but must confess that I do NOT hate it. I love being in the kitchen when I’m not walking. I am averaging 15 thousand steps per day and feel powerful and healthy. I cake on the SPF, hitch up SalTak and walk clear across town and back any time it’s not raining. My motto for exercise has become, “if I can, I will.” I can’t do a push up to save my life. Running feels awkward and wrong. I couldn’t do a sit up if you paid me a mill, but by golly I can walk, so that’s what I do. And I love my walks.

I have a hefty amount of anxiety and fear regarding my health (and almost everything else) but I am really working through that and doing my best to learn how to surrender my fears to an almighty God who continues to surprise and reveal Himself to me at every turn. Just last night while we were eating dinner, J took a bite of a roasted carrot and commented on how many varieties of carrots and potatoes there are which led to a conversation about how many different species of plants and animals there are, which led to a discussion on the expansiveness of the universe and the infinite creativity and inner workings of God’s plan and at the end of the conversation I couldn’t help but feel foolish for ever not trusting it (the plan!). We’ve been listening to Hillsong United’s song, “So will I” for over two years now but it has felt new again after watching those sunrises a couple of weeks ago. The lyrics are as follows:

God of creation

There at the start

Before the beginning of time

With no point of reference

You spoke to the dark

And fleshed out the wonder of light

And as You speak

A hundred billion galaxies are born

In the vapor of Your breath the planets form

If the stars were made to worship so will I

I can see Your heart in everything You’ve made

Every burning star

A signal fire of grace

If creation sings Your praises so will I

God of Your promise

You don’t speak in vain

No syllable empty or void

For once You have spoken

All nature and science

Follow the sound of Your voice

And as You speak

A hundred billion creatures catch Your breath

Evolving in pursuit of what You said

If it all reveals Your nature so will I

I can see Your heart in everything You say

Every painted sky

A canvas of Your grace

If creation still obeys You so will I

So will I

So will I

If the stars were made to worship so will I

If the mountains bow in reverence so will I

If the oceans roar Your greatness so will I

For if everything exists to lift You high so will I

If the wind goes where You send it so will I

If the rocks cry out in silence so will I

If the sum of all our praises still falls shy

Then we’ll sing again a hundred billion times

God of salvation

You chased down my heart

Through all of my failure and pride

On a hill You created

The light of the world

Abandoned in darkness to die

And as You speak

A hundred billion failures disappear

Where You lost Your life so I could find it here

If You left the grave behind You so will I

I can see Your heart in everything You’ve done

Every part designed in a work of art called love

If You gladly chose surrender so will I

I can see Your heart

Eight billion different ways

Every precious one

A child You died to save

If You gave Your life to love them so will I

Like You would again a hundred billion times

But what measure could amount to Your desire

You’re the One who never leaves the one behind

I really want to thank everyone for reaching out, praying and loving us. I am filled with gratitude for so many people and have been humbled in countless ways (#brokenrecord), particularly since my last post. Thank you for still reading this and allowing me to purge my thoughts and the mundane details of our lives into these updates. I didn’t think anyone was still reading but received an enormous amount of support after my last entry which surprised and embarrassed me. Vulnerability is often embarrassing but not being totally honest never feels like an option for me, so out the truth came.

Vince and Mercedes are doing wonderfully. Vince has been jumping out of planes, winning every award imaginable at Merrill Lynch and continues to act like all of this is no big deal. I don’t think I could have gotten a more determined and honorable liver if I’d been able to screen and choose from a thousand applicants. I am only now settling in enough to realize all that has happened and how lucky I am.

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